The Guernsey Society of Chartered and Certified Accountants
Accountancy jokes
Here are a few jokes collected from various sources about us accountants - just in case anyone thought we took ourselves too seriously!
Q How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?
A Hmmm....let me run a few numbers and get back to you....
Q What is the definition of a good tax accountant?
A Someone who has a loophole named after him.
Q What is the definition of an accountant?
A Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.
Accountants have the best figures and do it without losing their balance.
An accountant was having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor.
"Doctor, I just can't sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem! I made a mistake and spent 3 hours trying to find it."
"Why did the accountant cross the road?"
Here are the top 5 responses.
What else does an accountant do for fun?
To count the chickens.
So he could charge the client for travel expenses.
The client told him to.
Because that's what was done in the prior year.
Q Why are they putting the accountants at the bottom of the ocean?
A They found out that deep down they're really not so bad.
A lawyer dies, and goes to heaven. As the lawyer passes through the pearly gates, a crowd is waiting, cheering. The lawyer is amazed at the reception, and sees St Peter in front of the crowd. "A special day!" St Peter proclaims, "It's not every day that we get the opportunity to welcome someone here who has lived for 145 years!"
"Uh, 145?", the lawyer muses aloud. "But, I was only 59 years old when I passed away."
St Peter looks concerned. "What's the meaning of this!" he exclaims. "Summon the Holy Accountant at once!"
Very soon a nebbish looking angel appears, peering through bi-focals and frantically flipping the pages of a very large ledger book.
"I don't understand where I could have made a mistake," the Holy Accountant says, "I added up his billable hours ..."
An accountant spends a week at his new office with the accountant he is replacing. On the last day the departing accountant tells him that he has left two envelopes in the desk draw and that the envelope number 1 should be opened if he ever encounters any sort of crisis in the job and envelope number 2 if a further crisis occurs.
Three months down the track there is a major drama, all the accounts are wrong - the usual stuff - and the accountant feels very threatened by it all. He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and finds and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "blame me!" He does this and gets off the hook.
Three months later at his next crisis he opens the second envelope. The message inside says "Write two envelopes".
There are 3 kinds of accountants in the world - Those who can count, and those who can't.
Q What happens when Mickey Mouse, Donald Duck and an honest accountant are locked in an office with a bag full of £1 million in £10 notes.
A Nothing, they are all fictional characters!
Q What does an actuary do to liven up a party?
A He invites an accountant.
Q How do you save a drowning accountant?
A Take your foot off their head.
Q What's the difference between an accountant and a vampire?
A A vampire only sucks blood at night.
Q What did the terrorist that hijacked a plane full of accountants do?
A He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
Q What's brown and black and looks good on an accountant?
A A Doberman Pincher
Q What do you call 500 accountants at the bottom of the ocean?
A A good start.
Q What is the difference between a tragedy and a catastrophe?
A A tragedy is a shipful of accountants going down in a storm.... A catastrophe is when they can all swim!